Giving A Shit—In Dating
A few days ago, I turned 37. How did that happen? While I have changed physically (enter white hair), mentally (more experiences), still working on the emotional bit (therapy), I’ve noticed what hasn’t changed are my online dating matches, since I was thirty.
With all these dating apps overcrowding the scene, new innovators and startups working on elevating the online dating experience and investors pumping funds to this billion-dollar industry, I have yet to come across an app that filters the good guys from the so unsuitable ones. I’m a good candidate to assess this space since I have been on my fair share of household dating sites and apps–Bumble, Tinder, Plenty of Fish (POF), Match, Coffee Meets Bagel, Inner Circle and a few others which I can’t recall because they were shit. Between my single girlfriends and I, we’ve tested out too many of them at some point in the last seven years and we all share the same sentiment—MEN DON’T GIVE A SHIT.
Which poses the question that it may not necessarily be the sites and apps, but it could be the humans on the other end.
Exhibit A) I’m in blue. I’m always in blue.
[Sidenote: I’m the woman that writes custom messages based on the profile descriptions, every time, because I do this really rare thing where I read the profiles. Game-changer right?]
Exhibit B) His profile read that he’s 37 years of age, so we’re off to a great start—a lie.
Exhibit C: My fav.
It’s not a question of when did men stop giving a shit, it’s just that they did. What does ‘giving a shit’ entail — planning a date — or at least throwing out suggestions instead of leaving it all to me. Another idea is to write a message that elicits some sort of back-and-forth conversation, I believe it’s called ‘asking a question.’ At this point, it doesn’t even have to be an interesting one. I have come across so many instances where I message someone with a question and he’ll answer back with no follow up. If this were a classic game of Hot Potato, this dude is like fuck it, I got the potato, my hands are burnt and now I’m going home to make crispy fries for one. Peace!
As the years go by, the bar gets lower and lower. It’s so low now.
[Sidenote: my platonic, single, male friends have told me that it’s not all rainbows and sandwiches on their end either. It’s just as painful. I imagine there are some crazy women out there, but I can’t speak for those women because I’m not them and neither are my friends, so back to the subject at hand.]
I will say, nowadays there appears to be a service for every type of lonely person–marriage, casual sex, sugar daddies, activity partners, those that share a love for beards, Star Trek or mullets, the list goes on and on and on. Just to be clear, finding a person isn’t hard given all the options, finding the right person, for you, is the real challenge. And so with the change of seasons, all I can hope for is that a new crop of men will unveil themselves, and maybe, just maybe, he’ll be the right type of weird that matches my weird and together we’ll do wonderful, weird things in the bedroom.
It could be entirely true that online dating just isn't for me. It’s essentially shopping for people you want to hang out with based on appearance first. As I get older, appearance is starting to matter less and less and chemistry is the only thing that does matters. Yet, a handful of words on a profile and a few back-and-forth interactions via text don’t show chemistry. I prefer the ‘let’s skip the small talk and meet up’ method. Since I’m bold enough to make that move, it would be nice if my matches were bold enough to give me a time and place to meet up––this is what I refer to as ‘giving a shit.’
Although dating apps can't change people, they can change their algorithms. Machines are clueless about who we have chemistry with, which is why they generally suck. While the swiping apps are a lot less mathematical than the ones that require in-depth profiles to be filled out, I have yet to find proof that one is better than the other.
For those of you hoping to make your millions by creating the next best dating app, here are some things to think about:
· Qualified leads: This is a marketing term. Qualified leads are people who are likely to become a customer (of a particular product or service) compared to other leads, says Hubspot. In the dating world, this would entail identifying and separating suitable matches from unsuitable ones. Leads show interest in being a paid customer, but they have to be nurtured first. Think of this as getting to know the people that are using the app beyond their basic interests, personal information and swiping behaviours. Knowing them better mean you’ll be able to send them better suited matches. Above all, remember not all leads are the same, just as not all people are the same. This requires some customization.
My issue: Why is it that when I set my preference to a specific age group, I am constantly bombarded with men so far out of that range?
· Fake profiles: I know this is a marketing tactic used to generate more traffic, but it’s spam, leading people astray that needs to stop. What happened to quality over quantity?
My issue: I know fine-ass Freddie who owns an almond farm in California and runs a food-waste startup in Toronto that is also well-read, well-travelled and loves Jodeci and Sister Nancy, located 8km from me looking for a real relationship is NOT a real profile.
· Unauthorized recurring billing: Cancelling subscriptions that are set up to auto-renew are a huge hassle when it comes to online dating services. The mention of auto-renewal is hidden deep within the terms and conditions, which makes it easy to skip over and that’s how they get you.
My issue: I once cancelled an auto-renewal at 12:00 a.m. and the dating service made a case for not refunding me my full amount because the cancellation had to be made before 11:59 p.m.
· Endorsements: Let’s get some testimonials from real people that have been on real dates on these sites and apps. It’s no secret that reviews are a huge part of decision making. User testimonials build trust, crediblably and social proof. Keep in mind, it’s easy to spot a fake testimonial, like a fake profile.
A psychologist at Western University says “A big part of finding the right partner is being the right partner.” After reading this line, I realize I could be the problem, but it’s highly unlikely–insert sarcasm here.
